


No Need To Be Anybody But Oneself

by everyperfectsummer



Series: Coldwave week [4]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Leonard Snart, Asexuality, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Trans Character, Trans Leonard Snart, earth whatever the flip you want I don't care, this takes place on another earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 04:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everyperfectsummer/pseuds/everyperfectsummer
Summary: He doesn’t want to lie, not to Mick.





	No Need To Be Anybody But Oneself

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, asexuality is linked to sexual abuse. That doesn’t make it any less valid. This is written from my perspective as a genderqueer sexual abuse survivor and as an ace person; your experience may and probably will be different, and that’s totally cool.  
> Triggers for references to past sexual abuse.

Somewhere, there’s an earth where Lewis Snart never raised a hand to either of his children. It does not make for a happier childhood.

 

There’s an earth where Mick Rory does not burn his family to death, their screams fading out of memory while the flame dances on. He loses them anyway.

 

But in this world, as in every, Len and Mick find happiness, though it takes them years to reach it. They have a new family, a found one, although Lisa’s included and didn't take much finding. And, of course, they have each other.

* * *

  

For all that they’ve been partners for years, they’ve only just started dating, only just delved into holding hands and dates and kisses. Which means that this is the first time that they’ve kissed heatedly enough for Mick to feel comfortable placing a hand on Len’s crotch. He doesn’t even really do anything, doesn’t have time to before Len recoils, pulling away from Mick and scrambling backwards over the couch in what he will later describe as a completely calm way to get as much distance between him and Mick as possible.

 

He then breathes heavily into his own cupped hands, trying not to feel stupid for panting in panic in the corner when Mick hadn’t even _done_ anything.

 

Mick puts his hands up, settling back against the couch. “You ok there, boss?” he asks, voice gentler than most people would believe Mick capable of.

 

Len nods, pretending that he isn’t huddled in the corner behind the couch because he was just making out with his boyfriend.

 

“Is this a dysphoria thing, or is it too soon, or..?” Mick lets the option hang in the air.

 

It’d be easy to say yes, to take the cop out. Mick’s always been supportive of Len’s gender stuff, ever since they met. Had gone out of his way to research it, to learn more just to make Len more comfortable. And, because it’s Mick, to beat up or burn anyone who gave Len a hard time for being who he is. So Len knows if he says that it’s because of his gender, that his gender makes him not want to have sex, Mick would be ok with that. But it would be a lie.

 

For all the Len lies to everyone, something in his stomach twists uncomfortably at the thought of lying to Mick, especially about this. He was going to tell Mick about this, he’d been planning to, just not yet, and now all his careful plans are crumbling in front of him. But he’s nothing if not an improviser, and for all that he’s afraid right now bravery is one thing he’s always had in spades.

 

So he squares his shoulders, lifts his chin, and says “No. It’s not a gender thing. It’s a sexual orientation thing.”

 

Mick’s face twists, confused. “I thought you were pan?”

 

“Panromantic,” Len says, “not pansexual. I’m asexual, actually.”

 

Mick doesn’t look any less confused. “What does that mean?”

 

“Different things for different people,” Len hedges, and then decides to rip off the bandaid. “For me, it means I don’t want to have sex. Not ever, not even with you.”

 

“Did someone –?” Mick waves his hands, unsure how to finish the sentence even though both of them know how it ends. _Did someone hurt you? Did someone abuse you? Did someone rape you?_

 

Len hesitates. He doesn’t want to lie, not to Mick, but he doesn’t want Mick to blame this on the trauma, doesn’t want him to think that this is something that can or needs to be fixed.

 

Mick sees the hesitation, and his eyes widen. “No.” It’s a plea more than a statement. Then his tone turns angry, eyes starting to smolder. “Len, who -”

 

Len shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t matter that that I got – got messed with. That’s not why I’m asexual.” He hesitates again, forever undone by his unwillingness to lie to Mick. “Maybe it is, but even if it is – being asexual isn’t a bad thing. It’s who I am, and I don’t want to change it. It doesn’t need to be fixed.”

 

“Len –” Mick starts again, fury and concern warring on his face, and Len reaches out and puts a hand over Mick’s.

 

“Please just listen to me, ok? I am asexual,” and there’s something terrifying and exhilarating about saying that out loud, about saying that to _Mick,_ “and I was sexually abused. The second one is – is bad, but the first one is _me_. It’s who I am, and doesn’t need to be fixed, and _don’t you dare try_.” Quieter, he adds, “please don’t try, Mick.”

 

Mick just looks at him, eyes wide and worried with fury still shining in their depths, and it scares Len a little even though he knows that that anger isn’t aimed at him.

 

“There are websites, about asexuality,” Len says, “and I have pamphlets about it.” He’d planned to present Mick with the pamphlets, then direct him to the website, and only later tell him about the trauma, but this would have to do.

 

“Wait here while I go look for the pamphlets?”

 

“Sure,” Mick says, leaning back faux-casually, trying to appear calm on the outside so as to remain calm on the inside, in a trick he’d learned from a court-mandated therapist years ago.

 

Len goes and after a short search, finds the pamphlets stuffed behind the wardrobe in his bedroom. He brings them out, and finds Mick with his phone out, staring at the screen.

 

“Mick, love?” Len says, placing the pamphlets on the table.

 

Mick looks up, and Len sees that the screen is open to a google search of asexuality. “Hey, Len,” he says, clicking the screen dark and picking up a pamphlet.

 

“Look,” Mick says, and Len freezes. “I don’t - I don’t understand this asexuality thing, and I want to kill the person who hurt you, but if you don’t want to change your sexuality than I don’t want to change it either.” He waves the pamphlet in the air. “And I want to learn more about it.”

 

Len leans forward, and pulls Mick into a hug. “I love you, you know that?” he says.

 

“Love you too,” Mick says, into his shoulder. “Love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think?


End file.
